The Love Doctor is IN - Answering all questions of Love and Sex
72
Credentials
Now I wouldn't advise you to place your trust and confidentiality to no quack doctor or hubpage Romeo looking to score just by the knowing of your vulnerability or lack of knowledge in affairs of the heart or in the boudoir. So let me assure you here and now I am certified by the AMA (Association of Marital Affairs), DMV (Division of Marital Violations), and the SPCA (Society of Professional Cunnilingal Associates) along with the NMFF (Numerous Marriages, Flings and Flirtations).
Before we start our session today I want to tell you my motivation for writing this column is purely in the interest of helping those of you out there who are having problems in your marriages and in the bedroom. After reading the hubs here at Hubpages and the comments attached, I find you to be some F***ed up Muthers. Seems I may have stumbled on a gold mine here. All contributions for service can be sent to the Reverend R. Blue at the Levenworth State Correctional Facility, PO Box 69, Levenworth, Kansas 06969
All questions to Dr. Love will be kept confidential cause those aren't your real names anyway. Post your questions in the comment section and I'll answer them all. Don't be shy, no question can be too embarrasing to ask.....I feel you!
Is My Wife Cheating??
From "Killer" in cell 78: Dr. Love, I been married for 7 years and have been in here for the last 6 years. One of our childs is black and the other looks Caucasian...do you think my wife has been cheating on me?
Answer: Killer, I have seen your wife during your visits, and she even stopped by to pay me a visit on a couple of occasions. We discussed your concerns in depth and just because one of your children looks amazingly like me is just a coincidence....must have been some DNA exchange when she shook my hand. She is a lovely woman and assured me she would never stray.
Is it possible to love two women?
From Charlie in Omaha: Dr. Love is it possible to love two women?
Answer: Charlie it's definitely possible and sometimes highly recommended....as long as you don't get caught. I know that the bedroom scene can get a little stale after a few years of marriage, and all that steamy sex she promised you when you were dating has turned into an occasional "bang me and get it over with", which she consents to when you can't take the built up pressure any more. In cases like these it is certainly understandable if you find a co-worker or internet "friend" to share your "love". I know you still love your wife (can't afford the alimony and child support) and would never leave her, so it's understandable that you might want to get some lovin on the side. As far as your stamina for such things, I recommend taking lots of vitamins. Also loving two women at once is every mans fantasy. Just make sure your wife isn't one of them unless you've cleared it with her before hand...and if you have....my hats off to you brother.
My husband doesn't bring me to orgasm, Is it me?
From Connie in Poughkepsie: When we make love, my husband doesn't bring me to orgasm. Is it me?
Answer: Yes!!
What is the difference in an Oral and an Anal thermometer?
From Sue in Biloxi: Dr. Love, what is the difference in an Oral and an Anal thermometer?
Answer The Taste.
What's the difference in vegemite and sex?
From BP in Australia: Dr. Love, i was asked if I knew the difference in vegemite (it's like what you yanks call peanut butter) and sex, and I don't know the answer. Can you help?
Answer: How about lunch on Friday???
My girlfriends toes curl up when we have sex. Does that mean she really enjoys it?
From Bobby in Detroit: Dr. Love, when I have sex with my girlfriend, she always curls her toes. Is this a sign that she really enjoys our lovemaking?
Answer: Bobby, next time have your girlfriend remove her pantyhose before sex.
What is incest?
From Billy Joe in West Virginia: Dr Love, what is incest?
Answer: Well Billy Joe, incest comes from the french vocabulary....In...meaning just what it sounds like and the word c'est which in french means "is", so the literal translation you can pass along to your sister is.."Is In", but if she can't tell that already you have far more serious problems.
What is "doggy style"?
From Jesse in Phoenix: Dr. Love, my wife keeps saying she wants "doggy style". I don't want to appear dumb, so can you enlighten me?
Answer: Jesse, it appears as if your wife wants to lean over the sofa, and watch you parade your poodle on the street outside in your neighborhood as she watches from inside the house. An appropriate costume would be necessary for the dog as "style" is the key to your wife's desire. I will be out on good behavior and will be by on Saturday and watch you from inside with your wife as we'll be grading you on style points. I'll tell you your score outside as I leave. Remember to stay outside till all scoring is achieved.
Post your Questions and Thoughts below.
Those are but a few of the questions I have pontificated upon for my many readers. Add your questions in the quote section and Dr. Love will enlighten you with his vast experience. Now if you're daft and need another opinion you can check in over at Dr. Christoph Reilly's clinic for more sage advice. http://hubpages.com/hub/Mr-Know-It-All-Answers-Your-Sex-Questions
CommentsLoading...
Thanks...I had a great inspiration!
LMAO vegemite and sex....haha come on now they don't call me BP for nothing you know. This was so funny,LMAO and boy oh boy, there are more of your Hubs to read now, oh my you have been soo busy.
Should I create an alter ego to chase women that normally scare the crap out of me? I am a dweeb and momma has me by the balls.
what is a dweeb Pest lol
I think you pretty much covered it all?!
The cheating wife, I reallly want to send you a link on youtube where a white girl had a black child, and her white husband thinks its his?! Yeah, she finally told him that she cheated on him, and he freaked!?
If you looove answering strange questions, check out the request on hub pages Q&A removed by the moderator.
mayhmong I need you desperately
.....oh boy..coming
you are a doll May (hugs)
BP.....yes that was for you.
Pest...I thought Pest was your alter ego that you use to chase women.
May....nice to see you back...and I have read the Q&A...and agree.
Pest, if you get any hotter you cuddly ball of synthetic fake fur, my monitor will explode!
See Pest...that alter ego is working just fine for you. Cindyvine may have to go out and buy new electronic equipment now.
Yeah, just worn it all out thinking of Pest. Yikes, shipping company just said they're picking my stuff up on the 10th May! How will I make more sausages!!!
Glad you asked that question cindyvine.
Answer: Dr. Love thinks you should make latex sausages, they last longer...and don't stain your underwear.
LOL don't you mean tampons?
lol Blue! Well, will have to spend next weekend packing and not on hubpages
May...tampons also prevent underwear staining....but my concern was for what cindyvine might have been doing with all those sausages.....I don't think she ate them all!!
Anything can happen with Cindy around. She can be so creative in a funny strange way. That's why we love ya girl!
Absolutely...and you're not bad yourself May.
Yeah May, I stitched some of the sausages together and made myself a hula skirt. G'nite all, beddy bye time for me
Coffee time for me...thanks for the laughs you two.
I miss hubbing! Wish I can take my moms laptop to work. I gotta go and get ready. We don't mean to dis ya Dr. Love! You know we love ya!
Gotta Love Love....hurry back May
Here is a question you may be able to help me with. What happens if you stand on your friend's blow up doll and put a puncture in it with your heel?
You get a little shoe box and push the deflated doll's remains into that and have a special burial ceremony in the garden.
BP....we'll discuss that more after our dinner date on friday...I'm bringing the Vegemite.
cindyvine...I must remind you...I'm the Dr here. unapproved practice can get you in a heap of trouble.
Answer: BP.....First I need to know ...were you having a threesome with the blow up doll...and was it male or female. And at any rate if your friend's plastic companion is incapacitated....it is your duty to stand in and provide the services normally provided by the member you have incapacitated.
Jeez, look at the time, gotta go....
Schooltime???
yep, trouble is my middle name, follows me everywhere
OK...go teach those little buggers a thing or two.
Hahah Blue, you see it was laying on the floor, I think resting from his advances, and I never knew he had one,I came to visit him at his place, it was a little dark, I tripped on this female doll and I heard a hissssssss, as air came gushing out. He blasted me LMAO.I swear this really happened.Her name was Norma Jean.
Fact is stranger than fiction BP...so did you make it up to him?
Didn't BP and AEvans had a blow up toy on their trip around the world?
Yes...they brought them back to their friends.....with some funny looking appendages!!
Maybe BP overused her one! lol
Highly probable...she keeps wearing out the batteries on her light sabre...think I'm going to buy stock in Everready.
vegemite and PB ??? You are such a nut listen Dr. Love what would you advice about Strawberries and Honey??? lololol :D
Well AE....I have heard of some strange fetishes,,,being the Doctor here....but have never heard of anyone wanting to have sex with a strawberry...and I'm assuming you're using the honey as a lubricant.....One word....KY....his and hers.....but not sure which the strawberry should use. And if you're going to try 69 with the strawberry I'm sure you'll be able to eat the strawberry....but I've never heard of a strawberry that could eat you. Good Luck!!
hahah yes indeed AE and I had one, it wasn't my type though. Didn't like the mouth, it was kind of distorted. I made it up to him all right.I pumped it up with a bike pump, dressed Norma up in my clothes with a pair of heels, sat her on a chair in a suggestive pose, and boy when he saw her, he was like, "oh come to me baby."
So let me see...you dressed the doll in your clothes and heels and....you....sat there naked???...and this fool went for the doll....BP I think you need more frequent sessions with the Doctor. Your boyfriend spurned you for football...and this guy dumps you for a doll.....ever think maybe your choice in men is flawed? or are all men down under gay or perverts?
Hahaha R.Blue do you think I own just one outfit, let's try like thousands and thousands LMAO. Yes I agree have had some losers.....sigh....had another one who used to pretend he was a shop owner too every single time. I had to say "Oh can I come into your shop" Blah Blah
Lets pretend I'm a gynecologist!! Oh...and you're BP......I'll be just a minute miss....let me get my instruments warmed for you.
Hahaha well that idea is much more fitting than the shop owner one.Seriously I got frustrated with him,we couldn't just do it, it had to start off like that and I had to pretend I was married to some person. Grrrrrrrrrrrr
You are so wise R. Blue. Thanks for sharing you expertise on the subject. I will be posting a query but first I have to create an alterego :D
LMAO Cris you have more alter egos than I have underwear. Oh good I can be a detective again woo hoo
I only have one pair that is all I can find plus I dont like the constrictions lol.
Gee BP, will have to send you over a pair of huge granny panties
ooooooooo nooooooooo Sin not the granny panties, bad for my image.
Good Morning/Evening all
Bareback....now thats the way to go....then you don't have to worry about wearing clean underwear in case you're in an accident.
Ha Ha
Only HA HA linda...surely you have a question for the good Doctor. If not...at least it was worth a chuckle.
Do you know that love and sex are not necessarily the same thing? How can you be an expert on something that most people have such difficulty with? How are your relationships going? Are you divorced and do you have any kids? And what legitimate source has qualified you to give advice on love, sex, relationships and marriage?
ahpoetic...thanks for stopping by...if you read any of this hub and missed the fact that it was satire and humor I apologise....I'll have to sharpen my writing skills......thanks for making me feel like crap.
Hahahah LMAO just read ahpoetic's comment. If he does not think you are qualified enough I will have a crack at answering his questions. I have heaps of experience, I have studied, "The Joy Of Sex." very carefully. Hit me with it ahpoetic
Come here Blue, let me stroke your ego
Oh and here is a question for you Dr Blue I couldn't find the answer for it in my sex book I got hidden under my bed.
"What is a pearl necklace, and what shop would you advice I buy one from."
BP. a pearl necklace are anal beads that can be purchased from any reputable adult sex shop
Oh BP.....first you don't know the difference in vegemite and sex and now you want me to tell you where to get a pearl necklace. Oh I do love you Aussie lassies ......with the lovely.........uh...assets.
Speaking of assets....yours are perfect for wearing a pearl necklace!!! There's only one place to shop for a pearl necklace my dear and I just happen to own the shop. The selection isn't that spectacular, but I have a LOAD of them. I'm sure the price would be to your liking as I will be happy to give you one. I don't want to spoil the surprise by showing you one here......all the ladies will be wanting to wear one.
So, you have an adult sex shop, Blue?
cindy cindy cindy.....it's more than my ego that needs stroking.
and....shhhhh.....don't tell BP....what I know as a pearl necklace is the cum on a ladies chest after her man has pleasured himself between her double D's Guys help me out here...what do you other experts recognize as a pearl necklace???
Whatcha interested in getting cindy girl????
Ah yes, think you are right. I am just fixated on anal beads at the moment after seeing the giant prayer beads in Shaolin over the weekend and someone commenting they looked like anal beads.
OOOOhhhhhh cindy.....we could have a BALL.....all puns intended....hehehe
hehe Cindy I knew the answer, I am just testing Blue here to see how much knowledge he possesses.
So Blue, can you describe a Taiwanese basket?
Ooooooooooooooo Blue golly gosh and suffering suffatashes. So that is a pearl necklace. Holy jumping joints.
lol BP okay am out the door
Bless you little cotton picking socks for your help in this matter
Hurry back Cindy. I am getting on Skype soon but I can't do two things at once, so finishing off here, getting some breaky and I am half organised LMAO
I can help you Cindy it is a basket made in Taiwan I think
Pfffffftttt....cindy all my readers know what a Taiwanese Basket is....don't be asking such lame questions of Dr. Love.
I'll bet even BP knows of the Taiwanese Basket.....
And you can find one at:
www.mon-chalet.com/guest_services.html
I'm a bit embarrassed to ask this question, so wanted to wait until Cindy and BP were gone for the evening:-).
Is it true that a woman's virginity grows back in between marriages?
LOL Mighty Mom....excuse me MM....I don't want to give away your true Identity.
I'm afraid this is a myth. However if you use alum in the vaginal canal and sleep with the new man for the first time in the dark...and do your Kegel exercises......he may just be convinced he is indeed sleeping with a virgin....like the very first...like a virgin......oh sorry Madonna just popped in my head. Oh...no oral sex that first time, your new man could develop a permanent pucker!
LMAO MM I heard that.....oooooooooo
BP...how dare you...these are confidential sessions........oooops I seem to have forgotten to press the confidentiality button. Well at lweast you used her code name...MM
Jajajajaj well you need to put a "Do Not Disturb" thingy jig on the door RB, with a timer of course.
Well, I did tell my ex-husband that I was mentally a virgin until I met him.
Yeah BP....that girl just chews my ear off.
BC.....I know ....you just followed BP in here and got snared in my trap.
cindy....so you lost your mental virginity when your ex started F***ing with your head???.....or was it from giving head...guess that could go either way.
I've no questions at this time. But I wish you well with your practice. Remember the first rule of perfecting anything in life - practice, practice, practice. KY jelly may help and keep the fluids up to prevent dry throat.
Oh, I do declare that this hub is corrupting me! I was so sweet and innocent, and after dumping my ex, mentally a virgin again....
Corrupting you Sin Divine is lake throwing water in the ocean.....hehehe
Jewels.....I'm sure my readers will appreciate your tips.
You are freakin hillarious!!! I could just invision you with the voice of Barry White..."The love doctor is in the house"!!!! LOL
Thanks JJ...can I still call you JJ??...Actually I do a pretty good impersonation of Barry White.....and I love his voice.
Great! I feel so...informed. Before, I was a 'take it like a plank' kinda girl. Now I know...stuff. Nice one :)
Yes ofcourse. I only had to delete my old profile because my hubby was concerned about NON-hubbers being able to google my name and my HP account popping up first on the search engine. TOO MUCH exposure and it freaked him out.
You can never get too "exposed" JJ
Frog...stick around....I got a lot more wisdom up my sleeve.
What is doggy style is that like a pooch dressed up in a doggy tuxedo. I can't find that one in my text book either RB
It is advised to wear knee pads when engaging in Doggy Style, BP
Didn't you read the doggy style reply BP???.....it's definitely about stylish dogs...we'll watch them...but you have to bend over the sofa to watch properly.
I've heard that some places trade chocolate for virginities. Do you know of any, Doc?
Awful nice of you to mention my candy shop Marble....not many know of it and yes....a big Solid Chocolate Easter Bunny for virginity is what I trade. For non-virginity sexual favors the price is a cream filled chocolate egg. Oral gratification pays in cum drops.....errrr I mean Gum drops
HI R blue! Love your stuff!! So wright down my ally! I need help from soneone like you....to the point! LOL... I have a whole hub full of Questions for Dr. Blue. my hub is my gay life, hiv, sex and drugs. Have a look at it....awaiting your advice!
Morne.....after reading your hub......I'm off to see a shrink myself. Dr. Love doesn't handle gay questions real well.....maybe Dr. love getting between two Lesbians....but enough of that here. Seriously....you are on a destructive path and could stand twice a day sessions with a reliable shrink.....and NO...I'm not kidding. Dr Love is not into serious...but yours is a serious matter. Yes....there is hope for you....you can turn your life around and live a long and productive life....be an asset to yourself and society.....but you have to want it badly. I'm not judging your gay lifestyle....yeah....so what. What bothers me is your promiscuous sex and not telling partners of your HIV....and of course your drug habit. Good luck!!
I like a guy who is in my church.he stares at me at times and i do to.he even smiled at me in a good way.I want to know if he likes me and what to do and how do i know if he has a girlfriend
What dose it it mean when u ask ur ex if all she wants from is sex, she responds "lmao noooooo"? Wat should I do I don't wonna make a mistake?
Doctor i am in a relationship with two guys but i am in love one and i only like the other one, Doctor this other guy that i just like is too good to be cheated on or hurt now what should i tell him i don't want to hurt his feelings. please advise!!!!!!!!!!
what do you do if you meet the love doctor, and you want to sleep with him/her?
Christoph Reilly Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
Nice job!